I'm coming back soon. Its gonna be big. Or tiny.

Moving sucks and is cool at the same time. It sucks because you have to pack up all your shit. Packing up all your shit requires a lot of work, time and sacrifice. You open up a box of shit you've had tucked away forever, you look in it and you're like "wait I remember this shit!" then its like, "wait, I don't really need this shit." Commence sacrifice. Not to mention our aforementioned cockroach issue, which adds a delightful paranoia to the whole packing thing. Making sure as few cockroaches as possible re-purpose our boxes as public transportation.

One of the primary reasons I wanted to move to Portland is bicycling, ease of not driving, bike friendly atmosphere, etc, but instead we're moving into an apartment we love in an area we're pretty iffy as far as bicycle accessibility and friendliness are concerned. So far out from Portland proper that it almost doesn't even seem like Portland at all. We have a 6 month lease, so in a few months when we are positive that it kinda sucks, we'll start looking for more convenient locations. Hopefully our experience at this place will give us a little foresight as far as what our needs are and where we wanna be. le sigh.

Despite being located in the asshole of Portland, as a whole the city has a lot to offer:

1. Powell's City of Books
    A dangerous amount of books.
2. This sign
    It has a deer!
3. Zoobomb
    A dangerous amount of tiny bicycles.
4. Fucking gallons of beer
    Score.

While I've been doing this I should have been cleaning out the hall closet. I bid you adieu so I can go do that.

We're moving. We actually found an apartment, got approved. Now we have the odious task of packing all of our stuff.

Our new apartment is bomb, like nearly twice as big as this one. It has a balcony.

We've been looking for apartments in Portland. Its hard. You call places. You knock on doors. etc. The lack of people who answer their phones is so ridiculous that it is almost at a level of vaudevillian comedy. It feels like I should be in some kind of silent movie where I'm moving in fast motion. I'm just waiting for a house to topple over on me or to be chased by a dog.

Olde English is actually really tasty...If you're a gangsta, which I am.

My little family and I live fairly minimally, but I don't think we're doing it right. I don't think we have enough money to live the sexy minimalist lifestyle. There is a definite and sharp divide between the life my family lives and the life I wish my family lived. It is not all that materialistic, but that isn't to say that I'm not materialistic, because I pretty much am. I want a simple, creative, fulfulling life. I want to take Pearl to the park, to a museum. I want so much for her to grow up in a fun, intellectually stimulating, creative home. Instead, our life is very rock and roll, but with out the rock and roll, its all dirty ashtrays and laundry on the floor. I'm always too tired, too overwhelmed, too something or other. To force myself to do anything other than peruse the internet. Wait, fuck this for now. I've effectively shamed myself into action, at least temporarily. I'm going to start doing some cleaning.

I'm normally opposed to "cycling gear" but,

I want this:
and these too match:

This morning, on my ride home from work, I almost ran over a dwarf. She was a homeless dwarf, she was standing in the middle of the multi use path (big fancy sidewalk that is for bikes, walking and apparently dwarf camping). Wouldn't that be the most fucked up thing ever, to maim, kill or mortally injure a dwarf on a bike path?? That is some David Lynch shit.

when I'm 60 I want to be able to be able to hang out with tight pants and no shirt.

As some of you are aware I work at a nursing home, I am privy to some very strange and interesting bits from residents. There is an 80-something year old gentleman who is a paraplegic. He hasn't been one for his whole life, he just hit his head one day a few years ago. He has had a hard time adjusting to eating and peeing through tubes, but he is like 90% there, mentally. He usually listens to COAST TO COAST AM during the night, for those who don't know, look it up. Anyway, very early this morning I was in his room, adjusting his pillows and emptying his big bag of urine and he says to me: (paraphrased)

Some years ago, a craft crashed in the desert of New Mexico, what it was nobody was sure, but in recent years more and more truth is coming out on it. There were 35 survivors. Not human. They were like humans, but not. They had no religion. They did not have any kind of higher power. All but one of the survivors were exterminated, so as to prevent the knowledge of a godless universe from destroying American life as we know it. Can you, Brad, Imagine an America where everyone's beliefs were suddenly crushed? The panic? There would be no reason to believe in Santa Claus any longer. None at all. Brad, though I can't be sure, I think I am that last survivor.

Wild, completely amazing doped up, conspiracy theory influenced, old man ramble. Tomorrow I'll tell you the tale of how to get a 500lb man out of bed and onto a gurney with the help of 5 firemen and 4 EMTs. (without dropping him, crushing us, or destroying any equipment).

How did you spend summers when you were a kid?

Pulling goddamn weeds.

I have a bald psoriasis looking patch on the very top left side of my calf. For a long time I couldn't figure out what it was, where it came from, why it itched. I thought "oh shit, I have some sort of weird skin disorder.." But then I figured it out. That is the spot on my leg that rubs against my knee when I cross my legs. I cross my legs too much. I sit too much?

I haven't posted in like foreverz. I bought this goddamn paid account and I didn't try to add enough friends, I don't post enough, I sometimes forget to even check my friend's page. It is ridiculous, but today is a new fucking day, its the day when I start wasting more time here. I'm going to start things off with a jollyoldblog favorite of one of those stupid lists about funny/interesting shit found on the internet. Reading teh internetz to find out about teh internetz! Okay.

1. Joe Mathlete explains today's Marmaduke.  Easily one of my favorite blogs ever. Dude has a band too, he has releases on Asaurus Records. I remember years ago I used to frequent a website called somesongs, where this guy posted songs for critique. Small internetz world.

2. Rifftrax. MST3K, lives on. Sort of. Mike Nelson with some help from some of the other guys sell mp3 'riffs' on popular movies. You play them while you watch gems like Battlefield Earth, Episode 1, etc. We had trouble getting Battlefield Earth to sync properly, but I won't give up yet.

3. Simcity Societies. I saw a video on youtube of this yesterday. Dope ass shit. I don't normally get all excited about video games anymore, but I'll actually be paying money for this, rather than stealing it from teh internetz.

4. Tom Green's internet tv show. I had heard of it, and stuff, but then I actually watched it yesterday. I watched the one with Neil Hamburger. I don't know if the one episode with Neil is an accurate representation, because Neil is quite possibly the funniest man to walk the Earth, but it was good. Neil said that Robin Williams is infected with every sexually transmitted disease known to man, and he was raped by Williams. Poolside Chats is also great. And if you recognize the guy he's talking to, this is funny.

5. Mike Gravel for president. This video, that stony eyed glare. I bet in his youth he chewed glass and punched sides of beef.

6. New Job, new city, new life. The other day I got a call from one of the places in Portland I have been applying at, I haven't gotten the job yet, but my application has been forwarded to the background check part of the process. So if they don't find out about my overseas banking op, I should have an interview, and being the witty, professional, cleans-up-nice, heart of fucking gold, mothafucka I am, I should get the job. Then we move.

7. Portland. The job will be there. We want to move from this shithole. Springfield is a garbage dump. I know that parts of Portland are equally trashy, more dangerous, and more amphetamine infested, but at least there is a museum and a zoo. I can handle trash, crime, and all that, but my patience for this place has run out. Plus Portland is way bikey-er. It has Zoobomb, Pedalpalooza, and recognizes Peak Oil.

8. ETSY.com. When moved an attempt will be made to create a living space suitable for living. Rather than the ramshackle assortment of unsightly trashpicked furniture, taped up scribbles, corner gathered trash, and cockroach nests. I am hoping that ETSY will be able to furnish our living area with attractive, original, and relatively cheap art. Goodbye squalor. (note: not my actual home, but close.)

9. Discovering new, insanely geeky shit that you had no idea existed. WTF? Amazing.

10. Michael Moore's SICKO. Pretty much makes you want to move to another country. Srsly.

My message to the world on behalf of the reactable:

Plz 2 throw away your guitars, drums, flutes, keyboards, tubas and any other obsolete garbage.



The future will either look like that or this.

Wendy Carlos' music totally fuX0r your whole world and values. Everything you believed to be true will reveal itself as fabrication. Your world will split in two.

When stacking coins would it be more appropriate to stack in order of value or size? It feels wrong to stack a nickel on top of a dime, but what business does a nickel have being between a dime and a quarter? And pennies?? God what to do with those bastards?

Wilco Blue Sky (release may 15th)
Kind of teh sux.

Marilyn Manson Eat Me, Drink Me (release june 5)
Mechanical Animals was so cool, this is not even close.

Bjork Volta (may 8)
Bjork and Timbaland. Bjork and Antony. teh rok.

Entitled: Dracula rises from the grave and fucks you up.


My day with Han Solo and Chewbacca.

    I rode my bike to a nearby park where the Millennium Falcon was parked. I can't believe it. Han Solo and Chewbacca are going to spend the day with me. It is so cool that they've taken time from their busy schedule of fighting  The Empire to hang out with me. I ask Han what he thinks we should do. He tells me that it is my day and we can do whatever I want! I want to ride Go-Karts! Chewbacca roars in agreement, then he lifts me onto his shoulders and we board The Falcon.

    The ship is better than I ever imagined. We take off and fly to the best Go-Kart track ever. Han paid for my ticket. They wouldn't let Chewbacca in, because he was too big. So Han and I raced around the track for a while. Chewbacca cheered us on. I was laughing the whole time. It was so much fun.

    When we were done Han asked Chewie if he thought I was ready. Chewbacca roared loudly and nodded. Han led me back into The Falcon and pointed me in the direction of the pilot's seat. He's going to let me fly it! We took it slow at first, but Han is a good teacher and I had it down in no time. I was flying around and having so much fun. Han was laughing and so was Chewie.

    We landed in the parking lot of Disneyland and we got in for free! We rode all the rides and never had to wait in line! Wookies are good to have in around! It was starting to get dark and Han and Chewbacca had to go. They flew me back to my bike and waved goodbye as they took off into the stars. It was the best day of my life.

                The End.

I saw an old issue of National Geographic at work with pictures of abandoned buildings and streets. Destroyed by the Chernobyl disaster. There is something morbidly fascinating about wasteland cities.